I should know better. After all, I’m the woman who discovered, simultaneously, how funny Will Cuppy’s writing is and how far a person can spray doughnut crumbs, while I was in a coffee shop reading his book, “How To Be A Hermit”. Blame it on the mists of time – or the bossa nova - that I got myself into hot water recently with another funny book in another public place. This time, though, it was in my doctor’s office – a place I seem to find myself in much too often lately.
If you haven’t read, “Never Hit a Jellyfish with a Spade”, don’t feel too bad. It was published in 2004 and I just discovered it at my local library. The author, Guy Browning,was a columnist for The Guardian of London, but don’t let that put you off. He’s funny. Damned funny. He’s also insightful, gently but never harshly sarcastic and a welcome contrast to the “if it’s cruel and mean it’s funny” school of humorists we seem to be inflicted with lately.
His columns tell you how to do things. For instance, the one I was reading in the waiting room was called, “How To Do First Aid”. Here’s an excerpt. I caution, however, that you read it at your own risk if you’re not alone. (If you’re eating or drinking, please borrow or buy the book before you read this and turn to “How To Prevent Choking” on page 43.)
“In the case of bleeding, a well-tied tourniquet is vital. Rip off the hem of your petticoat and tie it tightly around the wound. Remember, most people bleed to death because of the delay in finding someone with a petticoat. Tie the tourniquet on the side of the wound nearest the heart. If you’re not sure which side this is, then tie tourniquets above, below and anywhere else that looks useful. The overall effect should be that the patient looks like they’re about to go morris dancing…
Generally, accident victims should not be moved until an ambulance arrives. However, you may find yourself in an area without good transport links, i.e., Britain. Prepare a basic splint from two sturdy bits of wood, shove the limb in quite forcefully and then lash it up really tight. The whole body can be immobilized in this fashion if required. If things take a turn for the worst, you can then put a lid on the whole lot and dig them in for a convenient burial.”
Go buy Mr. Browning’s books, but remember to buy a True Crime novel or a Barbara Cartland or something for those trips to the doctor’s office or your daughter’s piano recital or whatever.