How Old Is That Salmon?

I should know better. Every time I go to a restaurant, I sit down near someone who makes me think that there may be a hidden camera and a reality show host hiding under the tablecloth.

“What is the aging salmon aged with?” Someone at the next table asked the server. Momentarily stumped, the man opened and shut his mouth a bit like a salmon grabbing at gnats.

“It’s “Asian” salmon, ma’am,” he said, “And it has a teriyaki glaze on it. It comes with brown rice, mango chutney and the vegetable of your choice.”

What vegetable is that?” the customer wanted to know.

Once again, the waiter did his “salmon catching a gnat impression” as he thought about the question.

“That would be whatever vegetable you choose,” he said, “So I don’t know which vegetable it is until you tell me which one you’d like. We have corn, squash or mixed winter vegetables.”

“That’s surprising, since it’s summer,” my dining neighbor said, “What kind of squash?’

“Summer squash.”

“That’s odd. Winter vegetables but summer squash. I like winter squash, but I’ll have corn and rice and what the heck is chutney?”

“Chutney is relish.”

“Relish doesn’t have mangoes in it,” the woman said, shaking her head, “It has green things and mangoes aren’t green. They’re orange. I’ve actually eaten one.”

The server wrote down her order and then wrote down her companion’s order and went off to fetch their drinks. After he left, the woman leaned over to say softly to the man across from her,

“This is a nice place, Henry. But I think they need to train their staff a little better. He didn’t even ask if we wanted bread and there’s no ketchup on the table. Maybe I should have gotten that relish after all.”

Maybe.